August of 2017 I went to a four day Dr. Joe Dispenza meditation retreat in Portland OR. It was short, sweet and deep. My intention was to heal and drop fully into loving myself. Be careful what you ask for.
I was immediately challenged. Doubt arose and my insecurities flared. I had all sorts of distracting “mystical events.” I saw peoples primary colors, fractal patterns, peoples third eye openings, room readings and more. It was fun and exciting, yet at some point I knew it was mere distraction, an ego trap.
Finally during a walking meditation I let go of my self judgements on another level and fell in love with all of me. My heart opened, beaming wide with self love. I felt the depths of loving all of myself, the love of loving all of my imperfections knowing that they were perfect in the love of the Divine. I walked differently after that. I finally had the full visceral sense of it in my body, mind and spirit.
As the event came to a close and we enjoyed a final 4 hour pineal gland meditation I was excited. I was in love with myself and excited to see where the depths of this meditation would take me. Well… it was quite different and a challenge. I dropped in and immediately began to have the most gruesome faces of all sorts of people, from various time periods and cultures appear inches before my eyes. They were not here in the spirit of love. They were here in hate, evil, anger and brutality trying to scare me back into fear. It was like seeing symbols of Dantes inferno and more right up in my face.
By the Grace of the Divine, it’s the only way I can describe it, I took a deep breath when the first hellish face appeared I sent it love. It lingered, grimaced, sent me more hate and I sat and breathed love towards this being, after about 15 seconds it disappeared. Then another one appeared and I thought, oh ok, breathe, send him love. Then another and another appeared, male, female, all races, ages and ethnicities from all timelines appeared… endlessly… for Four Hours! I sat in the stillness of the Divine and breathed love in and out for 4 hours. When it was over it was like coming out of a very unusual altered state. I had difficulty describing what just happened. I had difficulty integrating and assimilating it.
I finally realized it was a kind of test to see if I could really hold myself in the depths of love even while being challenged. I also saw the projections of it as my own negativity and fears that I needed to send love to. Whew… what a journey.
I am extremely grateful to the love and depths of transformation that have and continue to take place for me during these meditation events. This is what is working for me for now. I do an average of an hour long guided meditation daily. Afterwards I quite often sit and bask in silent meditation for up to an additional 20 minutes. This is usually where the gifts of my being emerge.
Not long after this last retreat, while sitting in silent meditation at home, some very old belief systems arouse. I saw how these deeply imbedded childhood beliefs had been holding me in a life long pattern some would call chaos! Fortunately I had taken Byron Katies 9 Day School for “The Work” back in 2002 and have continued to use it to unravel old inner beliefs and patterns that did not feel good. This one clearly didn’t feel good and my mind needed a way to process it. I was finally able to see how my old belief “That if something good happened, just wait, something bad will happen shortly there after, the proverbial “other shoe will drop” attitude.” Then I also saw how I had the belief that “Something bad has to happen before something good will happen.” Here I was stuck in the constant uncertainty of life on a roller coaster of a ride between these two negative self fulfilling belief systems. I lived and rolled in constant uncertainty with great highs, blessings, achievements and gifts and I had plenty of low, lows to match, deep bottom of the barrel lows. With the gifts of The Work and the meditations I was finally able to free myself from these old patterns. I learned how to trust, to trust fully in the Divine, deeper and without limit, not just until the next bad thing happened.
Thanks to the meditations where I could see myself as free from my old patterns, loving myself, and living in joy and faith, it happened.
A short while later I wrote this poem called: And She let Go
And She Let Go….
She let go of holding on, of holding on to the stress in her body, of holding on to waiting for what’s next, of the lifetime of holding strong and being prepared…
Of the holding on of protection from all the old hurts and wounds from others and herself.
She let go of the resentments so deeply hidden and held within the body/mind –
And with that, she let go of the self judgements that accompanied the resentments along the way.
She let go of being prepared for the battle, of being beaten down physically and emotionally from a lifetime ago.
She let go of holding onto the frustration and anger that accompanied being the victim of abuses as a child/ teen that’s been hidden deep in the cells of her body despite a lifetime of trans personal, cognitive, spiritual and somatic therapies.
She let go of the fear of truly letting go, of the resistance of letting go even though she understood having faith over fear was the way to release and knowing that faith is the opposite of fear.
Again and again she let go…
And the pain in her body began to diminish, the pain and tightness of holding on ever so slightly, just in case, loosened, the muscles relaxed and her movement became freer and more flexible.
The feelings came, she acknowledged them and let them go, little by little, moment by moment… and often she cried tears of relief as they released.
She noticed when the tightness in her body showed up and she relaxed into it and let it go, she noticed her thoughts that accompanied the stress and asked what’s really there, what’s the false stress underneath it all, and she let that go as well.
She understood that it was time to let go of all the holding on… that it’s been a false belief that holding on serves and protects her, she cried tears of love, understanding and compassion for herself as she released the energy from her beautiful body/mind.
And she loved herself naturally, wholly and fully as she released…
Her body lightened and her mind became clearer. A crystal clear lightness of being permeated her cells, and she laughed as she cried tears filled with joy and surrender.
And again and again she let go, she let go of any resistance to letting go with every breath she took, with every edge in her body she felt, with every unloving feeling or thought she had.
Without analyzing or judging or thinking, she simply let go over and over again with every breath… and she relaxed into the joyous present moment without any effort as a result of letting go.
And she let go of her broken heart… of her broken heart around her mother and father and around all of her old broken relationships, she let them all go, she let go of trying to heal them and simply let them be what they were.
And in that letting go a healing and a joy arose naturally from the ashes of her broken heart and a slow steady mending full of loving what is – arose for herself and others, and her heart was happily unburdened.
And she let go of hiding behind a false mask, a bravery of sorts, of justifications and excuses for others and herself.
She simply and easily was aware in the moment and recognized and acknowledged her discomforts – and let them all go – with out efforting or analyzing and…
With every breath – she let go….
And with this I let go again as I prepare for surgery. Next week I will be sharing my pre-op preparations and a post about the most amazing, intense Letting go experience I have ever had, and needed to have, in order to fully let go of a few last threads of fear that were interwoven into my cellular DNA. Thanks to a Coherence Healing, I AM Free and ready for what’s next! In deepest gratitude….
Light Channel, Synesthesia Artist
Making the Invisible Visible.
