When the Dr. Joe Dispenza Advanced Event opened up for February 2017 in Tampa, I didn’t want to go, it felt too soon. I wanted to assimilate the Surrender I had experienced at the previous retreat in December 2016 and see what happened. The day it opened I thought, Tracey, of course you have to do this, you have a tumor in your head. This is amazing work you’ve been doing and you have to go, so I signed up immediately.
When I got to Tampa it was cool and damp. The very first day I was uncomfortable and came down with a very painful earache in my left ear. It got worse by the second day and it closed up. It happened on the left side of my head, because everything seems to happen on the left side of my head, that’s where this tumor is. (And yes, I’ve done masculine/feminine work/, yin/yang and left sided vs right sided work of ALLLLL kinds). From above my ear to the middle of my ribs on the left side, it has felt like cement for the last 3 years. The energy, no matter what I’ve done, was stuck and I could not get energy to move through there.
I had this very painful earache and we did a meditation called “The Blessing of the Energy Centers”. By the end of the day my ear ache cleared up from the ear ache, I was pain free and feeling myself again. I thought, wow, that was a pretty spectacular turn around!
The last day of the event we had a very early morning” Pineal Gland Meditation” where I had the profound experience of my life. I began to loose track of time and space, which is the beauty of it. At some point, where time is gone, I’m sitting on the chair, having done a combination of all these beautiful meditations that Dr.Joe has put together, I had gone deeper than anything that I experienced in Cancun.
I’ve already fully and completely surrendered. I’m sitting on the edge of my chair, trying to sit upright with my spine open for the energy to move upwards… something deep inside of me just fully relaxed and let go. I had the feeling like I was going to fall off my chair, like when you nod off, of falling off to the right… And in that moment, this amazing LIGHT experience happened on the left side of my head. A flash of light, like a bolt of Bright Crystal White Blue Light appeared. I described it to my husband as “imagine if you took a thousand diamonds and put them together, then put a bight light on them, the brightness and reflection still wouldn’t even touch the refractory light that showed up in that moment”. It was a boom of light, it was a crystal blue white light that’s like nothing I’ve ever seen in this world, it was the Divine.
I’m an artist and play with crystals and colors and there’s nothing on this planet that I can compare this magnificent light to. It was like an ultraviolet flash that broke through, like it broke through reality and Boom this light was here. It made me sit up and pay attention and at the same time it was the most Divine Loving feeling that I’ve ever had in my life. I can still cry thinking about it. I felt like the hand of God, of the Divine just caressed me right there on the left side of my head. It was so powerful, Divine, loving and amazing, it’s challenging to put into words. It was so magnificent, I just sat there timeless, blissed, in Divine awe. I don’t know how long I was bathed in this Divine Bliss, it could have been minutes, seconds or lifetimes.
I began to feel the left side of my head clear and my sinuses clear up. I sniffled and everything cleared. The sensations on the whole left side of my head began to clear. My shoulder relaxed, my malpositioned scapula dropped back down and completely relaxed. Then all of a sudden I could hear out of my left ear. For three years my left ear always sounded like I’ve been in a tunnel and in that moment it cleared completely. I sat there in awe and crying, in tears and in laughter. There was music playing and I could hear the music with crystal clarity out of my left ear, like I hadn’t in years.
I was crying in joy, I’m hearing the sounds, I’m feeling completely different with the sensation of the Divine beyond anything you could ever imagine and I could hear angels singing above the song. It was magical and amazing. I began to feel energy move through the back of my head which had felt like cement for years. I could feel goose bumps moving up and energy begin to move through. I sat there in the awe of the Divine, in the Magnificence of it, sitting being bathed in the crystal blue white light. I had a miracle!
Then this energy began to move through me. I’m following the meditations in the background, at some point I’m lying down, my body is on the floor and this energy is starting to move through me. My hands, my arms and my body begins to shake, not quite like convulsions, but shaking. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I could feel every synapse and muscle in my body firing from my toes, legs, up my body, in my head and neck. My heart space was blown wide open and everything was trembling. The energy was a force moving through me. It was an amazing journey. I remember thinking I’m going for the ride, whatever this is, I’m going with it and I completely let go into it. I lost track of time and space while the energy was moving through in blissful convulsions.
Finally the energy began to slow down a little bit, moving into lower waves, where I could begin to breathe. I was sitting in my chair at one point, the energy was quieting down and my thinking brain kicked in. My thinking brain thinks, wow, I can hear, this is amazing the clarity of hearing I now have, the left side of my heads feels so different and clear. Then my thinking brain went into a moment of doubt and boom, things changed!
After just having had a Divine healing experience, my thinking brain doubted. I thought, well, maybe this healed my hearing, it’s definitely better, but maybe not the tumor, maybe the tumor is still there in the back of my head.
No sooner than I had that thought, that thinking rational thought of Doubt, this other POW of energy and light showed up out in front of me, a mere two feet away. A bright flash of violet light, of violet purple light flashed and broke out into this brilliant moving, multidimensional red and blue energy. A deep, yet fiery red energy was moving out in front of me. It was bright red, shaped like a huge moving vertical flame, moving snake like, fiery and warm. It burst out directly into my heart center and ripped my heart center wide open. It was like “you have doubt, we will show you there is No Doubt,” This energy was like the fire of the heart, of love, of passion, of pure fire energy pouring into your heart and ripping it open wide. My chest opened, I was pushed back on my chair, my arms opened out towards the side… I sat there stunned with this was crazy wild energy pulsing through me.
The next moment this blue energy appeared as a slithering snake like energy, again about two feet wide out in front of me. This seemed more multidimensional like it was coming at me through other dimensions. It was absolutely beautiful, like a mixture of the sky, the ocean and space all mixing in swirls into one. This gorgeous blue energy came right up into my face, only centimeters aways. It was like the energy of everything, of life itself, the energy of energy, of chi, of the Divine, of the Universe. It was saying to me, this energy is right here for you, it’s always right here. It was letting me know how powerful “it” is and was saying “you doubt, we’ll show you how powerful this is/we are.” The energy then came right up to me, like a hand pushing against me, going up and down giving me little energy love taps, like pow, pow, pow, up and down. It was saying we’re going to show you how powerful this Divine energy is if you’re going to doubt. I knew I was just barely being given love smacks and at the same time I could feel the force and magnitude behind it. It made itself clear to me that it could move, create or destroy universes if it wanted to.
I sat there in awe, crying and laughing while the meditation continued enjoying this phenomenal experience. The combination of the depth of the meditations so artfully put together was like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life, which I know brought me to this amazing place. From there I dropped back into the breath and the energy moved through and I continued to sit in this place of the Divine.
I know there’s something in me now that has no doubt of the magnificence of the Divine and that I was touched and blessed by it. That doubt showed up because I feel like I’ve been blessed in many ways to see miracles happen in life. My husband is alive because of miracles, I’ve seen them in my acupuncture practice with my clients. I know that not everybody gets to see or witness miracles, never mind experience one. I thought I’ve been so fortunate, I’m probably not going to have one myself. To me this is miracle and a Divine healing. My hearing is clear. I believe if it can happen to me, even in this place of doubt, or of I’m not good enough or for whatever reason, it can happen to anyone, I have no doubt anymore.
The beautiful thing is that when I came home a week after the seminar, I had an appointment with the head of Neurosurgery. Before I could even say hello when the doc walked in the room, he immediately said ”I have another option for you other than a craniotomy.” Inside I said a big “YES, of course you do.” He said he was not going to recommend brain surgery whereas I already had a surgical date just a month away and had made arrangements for family to come and help out… and he took it off the board with an offer for radiation or continue to watch and wait. I waited.
So much has transpired since then, and yes, more doubt showed itself to me. So much so, that for about a year I crowned myself the queen of doubt! But because of the depths of this experience, of the Divine love and trust, of the faith in that Divinity that’s now deep in my soul, for the first time in my life I rest here in trusting the Divine and it hasn’t left. It carried me. It carried me through more chaos, trials and tribulations better than any other experience in my life.
Because I had this magnificent experience, for awhile it was hard to handle the accompanying chaos. To admit it to myself and others that doubt still showed up in new ways, that I continued to be challenged, that I didn’t always trust it in the moment when fear and pain and confusion were at their worst, was challenging. I wasn’t singing with the angels every day and the tumor wasn’t miraculously healed in that moment the way my ego expected it be and others may have wanted me to. But my spirit was healed, there’s no denying that and nothing and no one can ever take that from me, no matter the matter. That was my ultimate healing.
My journey since then has continued to be miraculous. It’s been hard and challenging at times and I wouldn’t change a thing. The depths of the growth of my spirit is beyond anything I could have imagined. I have fallen so completely in love with myself and my life. Although I always considered myself a courageous person I faced a few more fears (ha) and learned to balance between certainty and uncertainty in my life. I traveled and unraveled the depths of fear and victimization that still had strong threads weaving through me. I had to rip myself open wide and heal in a whole new way. The veil between walking in this heavenly body and the essence of the truth of the Divine presence that is me, that is all of us, is thin, and for that I am forever grateful.
Light Channel, Synesthesia Artist
Making the Invisible Visible.
